Wow! That is the only word that comes to mind in response to the outpouring of love and support I have received since sharing part one of my story. Thank you for all the public and private messages and all the shares of my most recent post. My greatest reward is hearing the words from you, “you have inspired me…”
So thank you!
A common theme in the comments I’ve received is “courage.” Courage is made up of two parts – The first part can be linked to the French word “Coeur” meaning Heart. The second part is Rage, which in one form is defined as a burning desire or passion.
Courage to me means “my heart rages.” My heart has a burning desire for healing so that I can get to the good stuff. A juicy and abundant life. And for that my friends, I am willing to do almost anything! Even if it means undressing my trials and “failures,” becoming vulnerable and “Naked” to let go of shame and move closer to self love – where the true magic resides.
So here we go – part two of what is hiding in Diane’s shame closet, how I have aligned the dots and the lessons which will lead to my eventual success.
My highest value is love.
One of my greatest desires is to participate in a committed, connected partnership. One in which we emotionally support each other, communicate openly sharing hopes, dreams and desires. One in which we see each other’s faults and embrace them with compassion. One in which we are constantly growing individually and together physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. One in which we support each other as individuals, encouraging each other to be the best versions of ourselves. One in which one plus one equals three – you, me and us. One where “us” is the safe resting place in what can often be a crazy world.
I know this type of partnership is possible because I have experienced it.
So why do I find myself alone in my mid 40’s? Why do I have three long term relationships, including two marriages, that have not worked out? I am just now becoming clearer on why, what I desire the most, has been so elusive in my life. It starts in part one of my story.
Let’s go back to the little girl who lost her older sister, her very best friend in the whole world; her rock. The friend who spoke for her, protected her and adored her. All of the sudden that sense of being and knowing was gone. I was alone. Let’s go back to the little girl who did not want to upset her parents with her own grieving so cried all alone so no one would know.
I learned to take care of other’s needs; to withhold my own feelings and emotions to protect the ones I love.
As the survivor, the child that lived, I have always questioned, “why me?” My unanswered questions of why I was deemed worthy enough to live left me feeling unworthy. For the next 40 years I set out to prove myself as worthy; hence the lovely list of accomplishments and shiny resume.
But in matters closer to the heart; in love and relationships, I have not been able to create sustainable success. I am now connecting the dots and coming to an understanding of why. My lack of self-worth has prevented me from allowing and receiving the love I desire.
Although I am clear on what I desire and how I choose to feel in my partnership relationship, I have never allowed my partners the space to step up and be that for me.
I was filling up that space trying to prove that I was worthy of their love. I was so busy doing…loving, caring, supporting, lifting up, understanding and convincing that there was no space left for my partners to step forward and take care of my needs. Nor could I ask for what I needed because when we do not love ourselves, asking feels needy. When someone is trying to prove they are worthy they certainly do not want to be perceived as needy.
In relationship break down we often get caught up in trying to blame the other person or circumstances and deflect personal accountability. However, if we want to create the lives our hearts desire, we need to take a long look in the mirror and ask, “what am I doing that is preventing me from feeling the way I desire?”
My heart rages for Happily Ever After.
I desire to be in a connected partnership, where I feel safe, seen and protected; exactly how the little girl felt in relationship to my sister. As a result I am letting go of the fear of loss and abandonment. I am letting go of proving my worth and I am creating space to receive the love I desire and deserve. I am ready!
What is holding you back from the feelings YOU desire? Individual coaching is an excellent way to get you on track to the life your heart desires. I would love to help you through YOUR process. Contact me today to get started. firstname.lastname@example.org
Have you seen the YOU GLOW GIRL! Community video yet?