Naked – Part One

Sharing “our stories” has the power to free us, to help us move forward and to heal us. But as I sit here today ready to share part one of mine, I feel scared to death. However, I have been so inspired by the women in the YOU GLOW GIRL!® Community who have been courageous and vulnerable sharing their stories that I am ready to share mine.

Our stories are not about the dates and events in our lives, nor are they about our qualifications or resumes. If you want to read about my accomplishments and background that give me perceieved creditabilty as an expert in my work, see my About Me page or read my LinkedIn profile.

What I have come to know is that  “my story;” the real, raw and messy parts of my life, are what have led me to an understanding of what my heart and soul desire. It is through these feelings and experiences I have become an intuitive Coach that is able to help others realize their fullest potential and renew love and passion in their relationships.

My story is about wanting more than anything to feel loved.

It’s about spending most of my life not feeling love because a lack of self worth prevented me from allowing others in.

It is about the deep, deep pain I have felt and the depression I have managed through often feeling alone.  

It’s about the many masks of achievement, external recognition, confidence and humour I have used to cover up a big, deep void within my heart and soul.

When I was four years old my family suffered a tragic loss. Laurie, my older sister and very best friend was only five years old when she died of cancer. I became a part of a grieving family, but at the age of  four did not know how to grieve. Forty years ago there were no support services for young siblings, just the attitude that I was “too young to understand.”  I have very few memories of my childhood. I do though, very clearly remember anytime someone said the word “Cancer.”  I would run to my room and cover my head up with a pillow so no one would hear me crying. I did not want to upset my parents. They had already endured a tragedy far greater than any human should ever have to.

I learned to suffer in sadness alone. To cover up my pain to make sure everyone else was ok.

Neuroscience now understands that the experience of our formative years is critical as we are building millions of neuropathways in our brains. My formative years included love, fear, loss and much sadness so it is not surprising that I have spent a great deal of my life walking through depression.

The first experience I can recall was in 5th grade, so about 9 years of age. No one knew what was wrong with me. I just felt sick and often did not want to go to school. After many tests, I remember being called in and told by the doctor, “just because your sister died doesn’t mean you will. You are fine.” That was it.

When I was s senior in high school, 17 years of age, I thought if I found my sisters birth certificate I could use it for fake ID and get into the bar. Insead, I stumbled across all of the sympathy cards my mom had saved. It turned my world upside down. On the outisde was a pretty, popular girl; the Head Cheerleader, a dancer and VP of the Student’s Union. On the inside was a crumbling emotional mess. The years of untangled grief began to unravel.

As my boyfriend, my first real love, did not understand the change or how to support me, he broke up with me. Within the next few months I had three suicide attempts. Two by attempted overdose and one by slashing my wrists. I now have scars on my wrists from the stiches and a hand tremor from the nerve damage caused by overdosing.

Three vivid memories from that experience will forever be stuck in my head and heart.

The first is sitting crumpled over hiding in the dark of my bedroom closet with blood gushing down my arms and not feeling any physical pain because the pain in my heart was so overwhelming.

Secondly, seeing my father crying at the hospital when I was having my stomach pumped and the guilt that brought months later. How could I be so selfish and do that to my parents when they had already lost a child?

And finally, lying in my bed after being brought home after attempt number three. I just layed there and cried for what felt like hours. The emotional pain felt unbearable. My mom sat on the floor beside my bed and just held my hand the entire time. I was no longer alone. That was the end of the suicide attempts. Off to outpatient counselling I went for months to follow to start unpacking my grief.

From that point forward I have tried many different medications, none of which seem to work without having adverse side affects.  Fortunately, my spiritual path has led me to a place where I no longer require medication. I have learned to heal my emotional life through self discovery and building new neuropathways that support happiness.

That being said, I still have bad days. The difference is I now have tools to shift the bad days and do not allow myself to get swallowed up in the deep, dark saddness vortex. I am SO blessed to have two beautiful children and now have EVERY reason to show up, find my way to happiness and LIVE the life my heart and soul desires!

Part one of my story is about letting go of the fear of judgement. Fear about being perceived as unstable or crazy because I know I am not.  My story includes accepting with love that I experience emotion on a deeper  level than some. And that is a gift not a curse.

In part two of my story I will share how learning to grieve alone has affected my ability to allow and receive the love and connection my heart and soul desires. It is about why I now find myself alone even though my greatest value is love. To read Naked – Part Two click here.

 

Are you a member of the YOU GLOW GIRL! Community? Join us today! https://www.facebook.com/groups/YOUGLOWGIRL/

Are you ready to be healed by taking off the masks and sharing YOUR story? Contact me today so we can schedule YOUR GLOW GIRL Feature! diane@glowleadership.com

23 thoughts on “Naked – Part One”

  1. It takes courage to share our stories. When I met you I remember a confident woman sharing reiki, I had a feeling there was a life story. Thanks for sharing.

    Recently I realized where my unhappiness was coming from and decided to have surgery to improve my health. No one understood why a young woman who was only 29 was asking to have a total laparoscopic hysterectomy. I went to two doctor’s who told me no. Then I visited two more who said yes. My intuition tells me that this surgery is right for me and I am now living for my own dreams, not being held back by societies ideas of what is right for me.

    I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and my body rejected the standard medications so I went on a good diet and helped myself to get better. In addition to this I have seizures, migraines, and sever bleeding hence the surgery.

    I discovered that nothing is as it seems and to never give up no matter what others tell you. If you think something is right for you, then you go after your dreams and make them a reality.

  2. Thanks for sharing Diane – I feel so blessed to call you my sister and am proud of you for having the courage to share! You will always be the original “Glow Girl” in my eyes! xox

    • Nancy – thank you for sharing the article. No, I did not know the number was so terribly high. Very sad. If my story helps inspire just one person to know there are ways through, rather than out then I am truly blessed. Diane

  3. There are so many Tweens and Teens who are experiencing depression and struggling in silence. Diane, I am so thankful that each attempt was unsuccessful so that you were alive to be a part of my story! The courage to share your pain is inspiring, and I am certain will reach others who may be teetering on the edge of total despair. Thank you, Sister!

  4. Diane,darling!
    You are so brave and leave such good energy where ever you go. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope that after you did you felt relief. Sending you the very strongest thoughts of gratitude.
    Love
    Lib

    • Thanks Lib! Such kind words. It is such an interesting experience. When we expect judgement and instead receive and outpouring of love and respect. Dxo

  5. I am so proud of you for your braveness to being “naked”! You are awe-inspiring and I am so glad I can call you a friend! We all have our stories and you have turned your lemons into lemonaide!

    • Thanks Kristan – for your kind words of support and your friendship! As another “woman of achievement” I am guessing your story is very meaningful as well! Dxo

  6. You have overcome so much Diane ! I applaud you for speaking up and out ! Thank you so much for sharing…..you, the beautiful person that you are!

  7. Diane thank you for sharing your story. We have spent many hours together over the last few years while I do you hair. I always knew there was more to your story and when your were ready you would share. It takes so much courage and strength to share on this level. By sharing this story I know you are going to help many others to do the same. I am so blessed to be part of your journey XO.

    • Thank you T for being a part of my journey. Without the safety of friendships where I could naturally unfold over time, I would not be where I am today. xo D

  8. Hey Glowgirl! What a compelling story. I look forward to part 2. You are strong and beautiful! I am so thrilled that our life paths have crossed.
    be well
    april

Comments are closed.