Last weekend I had a delightful experience. I got to go on a date with my son. For a nine year old boy who loves hockey, a night out at the first Canucks game after a lengthy lock out, was a big night. As he is the second born he is often lost in the experience of “family” and does not always have the opportunity for meaningful one on one time with Mommy. As we sat in the stands he told me about the players, their records, who the best goalie was and how the game was going to go down; which by the way, he was right on. At one point he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder and gave me a little snuggle. On Sunday night when I was tucking him in I asked him what his favourite part of the weekend was. He said, “Going to the game with you Mommy.” These are the moments that create meaning in our lives. Wouldn’t you agree?
Let’s go back to the workplace for a moment, where we have determined we do things pretty well. Is it important for you to have one on one time with your boss? Or is it ok to just have time with the entire team? Most of us truly appreciate that one on one time where our supervisor takes time to listen to our individual accomplishments and desires. We feel valued through this experience. There is a common saying, “People join companies, but they leave supervisors.” Often, they are leaving supervisors because they did not make them feel valued or appreciated.
If we compare this to the rest of life – where you are the boss, there are a few things to consider.
Firstly, it means that we need to look at each of our relationships as unique and therefore, schedule time to nurture them individually. When you are scheduling appointments in your calendar, do not just schedule “family time.” Or “time with the kids.” Break this down – who is in your family? Consider spending separate time with 1) your family as a whole 2) your partner (remember life before kids?) 3) your first born and 4) your second born and so on. Just like you feel valued and grow when your supervisor spends one on one time with you at work, the most important people in your life will feel valued and your relationships will grow when you spend one on one time with them.
Secondly, no matter how much I wish doing laundry, packing lunches, assisting with homework (one of my least favourites) and driving my kids to their activities made them feel valued – it just doesn’t. Just like cleaning the house, cooking meals and paying the bills probably does not make your partner feel loved or connected to you. Although these things are all necessary and a part of what needs to get done, they simply do not create meaningful connection. So scheduling time to do something together outside of the day to day is very important.
I know what you are thinking. I do not have time or how will I ever do this for all of the important relationships in my life? First of all – you do have time! Go back and read Step One – Align Priorities & Time. Secondly, think quality not quantity. Take some time to work on your schedule and put reoccurring appointments in your calendar. For example – every second Saturday night is “Family Night.” The first Friday night of every month is “Date Night” with your partner and once or twice a year you have your romantic weekend away –perhaps, once in your anniversary month and another six months from that. The Saturday nights that are not reserved for “Family Night” can be one on one nights with a child or a friend. Once you develop your reoccurring schedule all you have to do is figure out how you will spend that time together. That’s the fun part!
Next time, just in time for Valentine’s Day, I am going to explore the “intimate partnership relationship” as it is often the relationship that gets lost, more than others in day to day life. In the meantime I will challenge you to think about how your Valentines gift for your true love. Is there a gift you can give that will create an experience that will lead to meaningful connection rather than the traditional box of chocolates?