It seems like the last eight months for me have been a continuous journey of letting go. Letting go of things, situations, stories and emotions that are no longer serving me.
My most recent revelation and letting go has been around my need to be independent.
As many things are, my belief and value for being independent came in my formative years. Until I was four years old I had an older sister who was my role model, my best friend; my partner. I felt protected, cared for and connected. When she passed away two things happened. I lost that relationship and became the oldest child. Obviously, my parents were grieving their own tragic loss. As a result, I stepped up and claimed my spot as Little Miss Independent.
Somewhere in my unconscious mind not needing to rely upon others for emotional support or care became a valuable asset. I became the strong one. The one who cared for others. The one who gave advice, guidance, love and support. Never asking for or feeling comfortable receiving from others. At any point in my life when I felt sad or broken, I recoiled. I experienced my sadness alone not reaching out. I viewed reaching out would somehow be “needy” or “weak” or “too much of a burden” to others.
But what I am now very clear about is my souls desire to be in connection.
Connection is actually one of my core values; however, at some level I was not allowing myself to embrace it.
Over the past two years I have been wading into this experience. I have been blessed with several friends who have created the space for me to be authentic. With them I feel safe being vulnerable, broken and far from perfect. I feel connected.
My transition this year to Solopreneur has also been an eye opener for how much I value being in connection. Yes, I am highly competent and can do many things on my own with my experience and strategic creativity; however, I am learning I can be even better when I have an opportunity to collaborate with others I respect and value.
In terms of my love life, it is now crystal clear to me why I have failed to have the partnership relationship I have always desired. My heart and soul longs for connection; a connection like I experienced with my sister. I want to feel safe, emotionally supported and cared for.
However, my mind was out of alignment.
In my head I believed that being independent and self-sufficient was valuable. This belief deflected the opportunity to create what I really wanted. As a result of my heart and soul being out of balance with my mind I was not able to create true success in terms of partnership.
My understanding and clarity around this make me feel so empowered and hopeful for success in the not so distant future. I am ready to say goodbye to Little Miss Independent to create space for loving emotional connection.
For my friends who have provided the space for me to grow in my understanding – I am eternally grateful. I love and value our connection.
Where in your life are you out of balance? What does your heart and soul really want? What actions or behaviours are preventing you from getting there? Are there situations or circumstances from your formative years that painted beliefs that are not in alignment with your values?