Just last night, I was at a women’s conference taking part in a mentorship event. I have noticed an interesting and increasing phenomenon that happens whenever I am out talking with people. As soon as people learn that I am writing a book about relationships and creating “happily ever after” in the partnership relationship, the conversation quickly turns to “what can I do to make my relationship better?”
Life is about relationships. Have you ever noticed that when you are experiencing challenging times with your significant other that you become distracted in other parts of your life? When you are in a solid, committed and engaging partnership, you naturally feel settled. You have a safe place to rest and feel grounded and supported in everything you do in life.
Unfortunately having a solid, committed and engaging partnership relationship appears to be a lot harder to achieve than initially imagined. Divorce rates still waver around 50%. But that is not even the complete story. What percentage of the married couples can truly report that they are completely satisfied?
So is “Happily Ever After” just a myth?
No, it is not a myth! It is achievable if you make a conscious choice to create the relationship according to the vision you initially imagined. Here are four ways to help get you on track:
1. Treat commitment as the STARTING line
There is so much emphasis placed on “the big day.” But instead of “Saying Yes to the Dress,” we really need to “Say Yes to Continuous Effort and Improvement!” Couples court and spend time getting to know each other. They connect on many levels throughout the courtship. Then the marriage or moving in together rite of passage happens. There is a big exhale and life takes over. The emphasis on nurturing the relationship goes out the window because subconsciously we have made it to the goal or finish line.Marriage or a commitment to a long term relationship needs to be the START of something new; something better; something continually growing; something you “show up” to every day. Can you imagine if you were interviewing for a job and you had gone through several rounds of interviews and testing? They made you an offer. You accepted and then showed up for work. But then you stopped making an effort. How do you think that would turn out? You would likely get fired. Don’t get fired in your marriage! Consistently show up. Be present. Continue the romantic courtship. Grow and develop.
2. Understand that what is not growing is dying
Relationships are living things. All living things need to be nurtured in order to grow and thrive. If you and your partner are not growing together the relationship has only one other option; it’s dying.In your work you continually make new goals and work on new projects. You check in on the status regularly and once you meet your objectives, you celebrate and create new ones. This ensures you are engaged, growing and always moving forward in a measured and meaningful way. You can do the same with your relationship. What do you want to achieve as individuals and together? Discuss it, check in, support each other as you move towards your goals and celebrate when you achieve them. Then…set new goals. Set your vision and strategy annually and meet quarterly, bi-weekly or weekly; whatever works best for you, to check in on your progress and maintain a connection with each other.
3. Avoid merging relationships
Before you enter a relationship you are an individual. Before you start having a family you are in a partnership. Too often these distinct relationships are lost and merged into the next. If you have ever thought you are too tired to go out on a date night or if it is too expensive for a babysitter, think for a minute how tired you will feel after dealing with the emotional consequences of a divorce, or better yet, how broke you will be after paying your lawyer.
No excuses! You MUST take time to nurture every relationship separately to preserve and enhance all of your relationships.
4. Understand that one plus one must equal three
How epic is the romantic line in the movie Jerry McQuire, “You complete me.” Sigh, I swoon just hearing it. But it is a LIE!! The only person who can complete you is YOU! If you enter a relationship with someone expecting them to make you happy, then you are setting yourself up for failure.
Successful, passionate and long lasting partnerships are made up of three distinct and important units. You, Me and Us. The only way you can contribute to a growing, continually improving relationship is if you are continually growing and improving yourself as well as contributing to the relationship. This includes asking, “What can I do to make things better?” when you come across challenging times, instead of pointing fingers or placing blame. If all three of these distinct units are continually growing you are on the path to success.
Are you tired of struggling in your partnership relationship? Are you ready to create the relationship your heart really desires? I can help! Contact me today at dianeltaylor@glowleadership.com.