Creating Happily Ever After

 

Valentine’s Day is just days away. Some call it a “Hallmark Holiday,” but for a hopeless romantic like me, it’s a day I look forward to with pleasure to celebrate my love for the special people in my life.

Human beings are supposed to be in connected, meaningful relationships with others. If we are lucky to find a partner and develop a connection it can truly enhance our well-being.

But in the real world it is not that easy. What often starts out as “I have found my soul mate” or “she is SO amazing” very often dwindles to “I can’t believe he forgot to take out the garbage” or “she never wants to touch me.” With a divorce rate in North America of close to 50% it indicates we are not excelling in our “partnership relationships.” Furthermore, beyond the 50% of divorced couples are the couples that choose, for various reasons, to live unhappily ever after. I recently heard a statistic that only 30% of couples are truly happy.

Why is the partnership relationship so difficult to sustain? My theory is that most relationships end with the rite of passage we call marriage. It is not the union itself that is detrimental to the partnership, but rather the change in behaviour after the ceremony. For many, marriage has become the finish line, the prize, the celebration of convincing our partner to spend the rest of their life with us. For others who choose not to be married the same is often true once they begin to feel settled.

When we are first dating, we go out of our way to win our partner over. For women, we make sure we look good, bake cookies, buy lingerie and enjoy pleasing our man with an array of sexual talents. For men, they buy flowers and cards and openly communicate their feelings. We feel connected, we feel special, we feel loved; and as a result, we head down the aisle with great expectations of a lifelong wonderful marriage. The officiant announces, “you may kiss the Bride!” In that instant there is a subconscious myth that angels and pixies gather around and sprinkle magical dust that prepares us for a state of happily ever after.

Fast forward nine months and life after the big day may sound much more like, “she no longer wants to have sex,” or “he doesn’t listen to me anymore.” And with that, the relationship begins to atrophy. Our expectations are not met, we no longer feel special and our connection begins to diminish. Rather than creating opportunities for connection within the partnership relationship itself, many couples seeking fulfillment move to the next stage in life, creating a family relationship. Although, there is truly no greater gift than children, failure to protect and create meaningful connection in the primary partnership relationship first, often sets couples up for future disappointment.

Marriage can lead to happily ever after as long as we understand it does not happen on its own. Marriage must not be the end of developing the relationship; but rather just the beginning. Both partners must continue their desire to create a loving and meaningful union, to continue to learn about each other, to support each other and have fun together.

Check back in two weeks when I will help you with the next steps to scheduling some time to develop your partnership relationship and share some ideas on what to do.

Until then, think about how you can use this upcoming Valentine’s Day to connect in a meaningful way.

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